The pain of the close season

I sit and write this whilst being bored shitless by the first half of Czech Republic V Portugal. Portugal after looking like fairly reformed characters in the group stage have now turned back to the “Big Phil” Scolari principle of failing over, diving and trying to get opposition players booked. All this when in principle the Czech Republic are the weakest team they’ve faced so far.

As a tournament I’ve quite enjoyed it so far apart from the ridiculous amount of passing from the Spanish and the disbelief that Mario Gomez is a hot-shot striker when he’s just another lump playing for Bayern Munich, a poor man’s Luca Toni and he was a ‘kin twat an’ all. No doubt I’ll be proved wrong but if these two teams are the best in the tournament so far then even England might have an outside chance of  doing something unthinkable. Trust in Roy. Roy knows his football, the opposition and tactics. He also doesn’t give a shit about the media either which is helping things along nicely. Poor ‘Arry, he never stood a chance. It was Roy’s job all along.

But even with this televised football festival with BBC and ITV trying their level best to try and out-do each other trying to put on the worst coverage. At the moment I have ITV behind on points just for being brave in wheeling out Roy Keane, bringing in Jamie Carragher (who’s been half decent) and placing Patrick Viera in the same room as Keane when once they could hardly stand in the same tunnel. Patrick obviously feels braver these days as he made a joke about “some footballers have big egos, eh Roy?” he said tapping him on the arm. For a moment it was almost like that scene in the Holy Stone of Clonrichet episode in Father Ted when one of the Bishops keeps jabbing Father Jack in the arm before the great man lets loose and tries to throttle the bishop. Gareth Southgate has been relegated to a few seconds worth of drivel before the colossal idiot Adrian Chiles makes yet another scripted quip before ITV break to the adverts, not before they treat us to these Tim Burton-esque Thunderbird replicas of Euro greats treated with lashings of Cuprinol and then blow-torched by a pissed Jamie Oliver before being cooled in a lake of his own signature infused saliva.

Poor old BBC, they are only still in the running because the ITV’s Peter Drury is such a dick it’s untrue. When Poland’s Captain Jacob Błaszczykowski equalised against Russia with a screamer he came out with “For President and Peasant” in some oblique reference to either communist oppression or some sort of feudal system that he believes is still in place. When watching Spain of course it’s the usual commentate with dick in hand approach which has been honed by verbally gizzing on Barcelona for the last few seasons. Even with this and Jim sodding Beglin ITV are almost outdoing a very tired looking BBC vehicle. Clarence Seedorf has brought a bit of poise and panache and Lee Dixon tries hard but I guess let’s be thankful for small mercies and thank them for not inflicting yet more Colin Murray on our already tortured eardrums. They just resorting to wheeling out that iPad wielding idiot Jake Humphrey instead.

After fitting in 105 games in around 300 days last season, the lack of live match football has left an enourmous hole in my life. Scandinavian Football is always an option, but after eyeing up Hammarby in a Swedish second division clash last Saturday night, I then found out that the cheapest flight was around £320. A bit expensive for Saturday night football. The question is if I had’ve gone would I add it to the 105 from last season or bolt it on to next season’s tally. I’ve already got 24 grounds shortlisted for next season. The Pre-season can’t come soon enough.

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